The Tongue Lashing
by BeforeItWasCool
Summary: Cuddy doesn't want anyone to think she's predictable...especially House. Oneshot.


I don't own ANYTHING even related to House, MD. And not because of Katie Jacobs' and David Shore's involvement, either. You see, you really can't own something you really truly love….

This takes place sometime in season three or four, but definitely before "Joy."

THE TONGUE LASHING

"What in the hell are you doing, House?" Cuddy stomped into his office and waved the blue folder at him. He was leaning against the front of his desk, his cane twirling casually in his hand. Wilson looked up from the white chair he was reclining in. Cuddy hadn't expected an audience to this day's tongue lashing but knew at this point it didn't matter. James Wilson had experienced many of these interactions and there was no need to be discreet now.

"Can you be more specific," House said. "I don't want to have to cover my ass later if I answer incorrectly…"

Cuddy stopped in front of House. With him leaning against the desk, his clear blue eyes were just at her level. She could see the glint of snark flash in them as she raised the folder in front of her. She opened the file and read out of it.

"You are ordering a full body scan, an MIR AND a pregnancy test for coma guy?!" she spat out. She ignored Wilson's chortle in the corner and kept steady eye contact with the bane of her existence.

"Yes," was House's only reply. He continued to spin his cane expertly through his fingers.

Cuddy clenched her jaw and tried to keep her teeth from grinding. House smiled as she saw her muscles tighten. Cuddy ignored the smile. "So once again…What in the hell are you doing, House?"

"I'm trying to stick it to the insurance man. I'm upset over this whole bailout and bonuses thing," he said, half serious. He looked past her to Wilson. "I could totally run a company into the ground for a huge fat bonus."

"As could I," Wilson said, nodding.

"House….."

"My apartment is getting fumigated this weekend. Jimmy says he's having a houseguest so I can't take his couch. If anything is found in the scans they'll have to move Coma Guy out to another floor to follow up on those scans…"

"And you can stay in his room with cable tv and room service," Cuddy finished, sighing disgustedly. "And I assume you are making sure they find something in the scans?"

House smiled innocently. "Could be…the weekend x-ray tech seems to have a thing for cranky doctors with gimpy legs." He looked over at Wilson to share the joke with.

"Who doesn't?" Wilson said, rolling his eyes.

"I don't, for one!" Cuddy shouted. "House, how could you?! The processing of the paperwork alone is a pain, let alone explaining to his family what is going on. And the pregnancy test? Is that necessary?"

"No," House smirked. "But it's funny."

"No." Cuddy pulled herself up to her full height, squared her shoulders and stared House in the eye. "No!" she said again, more emphatically. "I will not allow you to perform these tests so you can have a free place to sleep this weekend."

"Yes, you will," House quietly replied, holding her stare. "You'll put up a fight, I'll whine and berate and eventually you'll give in and let me have my way. It's inevitable."

"And extremely poor parenting," Wilson muttered. He ducked his head at the daggered look Cuddy threw at him.

"Oh, and how do you know?" she queried. "Did your psychic powers finally return, Karnac?"

"No, unfortunately not," House shrugged. "But I don't need them anyway with you. You're completely predictable, Cuddy. I know exactly what you're going to do. Sometimes before you even know…" House turned to Wilson. "Hey, Wilson, remember that time I called her out on the business plan she was going to present?" Wilson nodded knowingly. House turned back to Cuddy, locking eyes again. "I even fully expected which color binders you would use. Where did you find chartreuse 3-ring binders anyway?"

"I'm predictable. Really?"

"As predictable as…" House began.

"As predictable as Old Faithful, and retaining as much water?" Cuddy snarked.

House smiled. "That'll work. However, I was going to say 'As predictable as a full moon and almost as large." House leered at Cuddy's backside tightly encased in a fine red linen skirt. "I used that simile instead because I knew you'd use the Old Faithful one."

Cuddy' eyes clouded over darkly as she stared at her most famous doctor. The morning she had endured now threatened to spill over into her afternoon. She was not going to let this man ruin another day.

"I am not predictable!" she screamed, but lost some of the energy as House screamed it with her.

She placed her hands on her hips in anger just as House did the same thing.

"STOP IT!" they both yelled in unison.

Cuddy could hear Wilson giggling behind her and could see the open mockery in House's eyes in front of her. She'd be damned if she didn't win this one. She acted without thinking.

"I'll show you predictability…" she murmured as she closed the distance between her and House.

In a split second her arms were around his neck, her fingers running through his hair and her lips assaulting his mouth with a heavy kiss. She felt his stubble scratch her cheeks as she plied open his mouth with her tongue. She heard House moan as she pressed her hips against his and deepened the kiss. Finally pushing herself away from him, she gently grabbed his lower lip with her teeth and tugged, before letting go and standing up straight in front of the stunned House. She looked at him and saw total shock and complete desire on his face. His sky blue eyes dazed and clouded; his lips moist from her kiss.

She slapped the patient folder against his chest where his hand clasped it there. She smiled triumphantly as she spoke, "There will be no tests on Coma Guy. Find a cheap hotel for the weekend." And with that she turned and walked out, her well-shaped body striding confidently through the door.

House and Wilson watched her leave. Nothing was said for almost ten seconds. Finally, Wilson turned to House, who was still watching Cuddy stride down the hallway.

"That was certainly unexpected," Wilson said quietly.

"Indeed it was," House replied. "I stand corrected; and totally turned on."

"I don't think you're going to win this one, House."

"I don't think I care," House responded. He turned to Wilson as a grin spread across his face. His eyes twinkled like Christmas tree lights as he spoke, "Do you have any other patients I could schedule unnecessary tests on?"


End file.
